


fall apart twice a day

by angryjane



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Based on a song, Dreams, Dreams and Nightmares, Introversion, Light Angst, Nightmares, POV Simon, PTSD, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-Watford (Simon Snow), Simon Snow Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, idk how to write angst, uhhh what the heck else
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-05-02 10:51:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19197304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angryjane/pseuds/angryjane
Summary: based on "idontwannabeyouanymore" by billie eilish





	fall apart twice a day

**Author's Note:**

> i've never written angst before so uhhhhhhhhhh here goes nothing

 

 

It's so warm. Still. I sweat at night, both from the overheating and from the panic my nightmares bring.

I've learned to be quiet about them, so as not to wake Baz. He doesn't deserve that on his shoulders.

I look at him, now, when I wake up sweaty and panting and on the verge of clawing my eyes out, and it calms me. He's so pretty, especially all calmed and smoothed like this, face slack with sleep and eyelids fluttering the slightest bit in his dreams. He's pretty when he sneers at me too, I've always thought, but in a desperate, ruthless kind of way. This is different. Softer, kinder, calmer, like the sea on a summer day when the sun's beating down hard on you but the sand feels so nice under your back.

It's hot in here, but not in the nice way. It's not in that my knees stick when I bend them and I feel like i'm suffocating. Drowning, maybe.

We keep the windows open now, and the light filters through the posh curtains Baz's put up, settling across his features like a halo or a sign. He looks ethereal like this, and maybe I can see where all those vampire myths come from.

But that's just it. I shouldn't be here. Beside him. i shouldn't get to see him like this, with his guard down. A year ago I would have jumped at this chance, only to kill him.

I'd like to think that I wouldn't kill him, not really. But I've always just followed orders, like some stupid windup at anyone's disposal.

And I've never hated Baz, not truly, but I loved the Mage. I'd of done anything he asked, if only he would just look twice at me. Pat me on the back, tell me I'm doing alright, take the load off my shoulders. Play bloody catch with me in the courtyard, for Merlin's sake.

I should be happy he's gone, right? He was a shit mentor and an even shittier dad, but I can't bring myself to let it go. I can't make myself hate him, no matter how much I want it. And I want to hate him so bad.

It's awful, really. That I would have killed my boyfriend just because I don't hate the man who ruined my life a thousand times over and then again for good measure.

It isn't that I don't love Baz, because I do. I really really fucking do. I'd die for him in a heartbeat, slay a thousand dragons for him, give up scones forever just to hold him for one minute.

But he's perfect-- he's _Baz_ \-- and I'm just me Just an orphan ad a menace, and the greatest threat the world has ever seen. An atomic bomb, except I've been turned off. Can't even be used for good anymore.

I don't think I ever really was.

I used to cry. I used to cry so much. I'd wait until Baz was at football practice, then sob into my pillow for an hour until he'd come strutting back through, sneering and proud. He's so goddamn _proud_ , but he can't be proud of me.

I _want_ , so badly to be something-- someone-- he can be proud of.

I still haven't met his parents.

I don't know if that's my fault or theirs.

I'm afraid to bring it up, because he'll back into a corner and won't come out.

Back at Watford when I got like this, useless and empty, I'd go crawling to Ebb and curl up in her lap in the sun, the goats roaming around us, and she'd run her fingers through my hair and sing to me. I miss Ebb so much. I walked by a coffeeshop the other day and got a whiff of their lavender tea-- just the one Ebb used to drink.

This sudden panic, this sudden fear, had welled up in me, and I'd felt like I was burning alive, not the way I used to, but _worse_ , because I couldn't let it out.

Last week, I saw a man on the corner of our block with greying hair and a thin mustache, and for half a moment, I'd thought it was him. I'd been gripped simultaneously with this innate fear and relief, and worse of all _elation_.

I fucking hate myself. Why can't I just hate _him?_ He's gone, he can't hurt me now, it's _allowed_.

More importantly, he's gone, so I can't hurt _him._

I look down at Baz now, snoring softly, and that panic is bubbling in my gut again. I love him, but I don't deserve him.

I don't think I ever could.

_This_ , I think, _will end in flames._

 

\-----

_If "I love you" was a promise_  
Would you break it, if you're honest  
Tell the mirror what you know she's heard before  
I don't wanna be you  
I don't wanna be you  
I don't wanna be you, anymore

**Author's Note:**

> COMMENTS WOULD BE LOVELYYYYYYY blease
> 
> have a nice day and don't forget to feed it!!!!


End file.
